Stains.

You know what? I don't think anybody reads this. Unless I post it on facebook, then I get a hand full of people. But other than that. Nada.

It's cool. I know I don't update very often. But today I am not complaining about my low read count. I'm am actually glad for it. Because if thousands of people read this, then maybe I'd feel guilty for what I'm going to write.

But since no one reads this. I don't care.

There are very few moments people get in a lifetime...

The day you were born

High school graduation

College graduation

The day you get engaged

Your wedding day

All in all not that many days that are totally and completely yours. The whole day should center on you. Focused.

Sure there are more, or possibly less, depending on your life path that you choose. But at least for me these are the days that are supposed to be selfishly taken for your own.

That it's okay to have the spotlight transfixed on you. That you are for a chance moment the center of the universe.

Because you have accomplished something. You have found something worth celebrating. And you are worth the recognition.

So what do you do when these days. These moments are taken from you?

What do you do when someone ruins the days that were supposed to become your fondest memories?

Why are there people selfish enough in our circles of friends and family that take it upon themselves to leave us with unwanted remorse on our wholly earned special days?

How is it okay that they rip apart these moments and not even realize what effect that will have on you not just in that moment, but for the rest of your life?

But most of all, how do you reconcile your feelings of never getting that day back?

How, how can you ever make peace with the fact that the people who were supposed to be the happiest for you permently stamped their muck, totally and completely staining the days that were meant to be yours?

And don't go around throwing cute memes at me that encourage cutting out negative things and people out of my life. Because cutting out negative ideas, thoughts, and people doesn't solve anything.

It's called running from you problems.

Let's all take a moment to realize how negative Eeor is. Did Pooh bear leave him for dead? Did Christopher Robin covertly ask him to change his address from the 100 acer woods? NO! Because negativity is a part of life. Not a single person in this world is 100% positive. We all have doubts and bad attidues. It's finding the balance that works that will ultimately give us happiness.

So. Here I am. Asking, how to be okay with being hurt that people are selfish on your selfish days?

Because that's what happened to me.

I will never get to relive the day I got engaged.

I will never get to relive my wedding day (and the days that led up to it).

They were my days.

And they are stained.

With hurt.

Tears.

Confusion.

Disgust.

Anger.

Lonliness.

And worst of all realization.

Realization that the 4 most important and influential women in my life did not hold me in the same regard.

Because never in a thousand billion years would I have ever been so selfish as to take away your day as you took away mine.

I have never felt so hurt in all my life.

And I have been through so pretty crappy stuff.

I may not like the guy you chose, or I may think that you're not ready, or I may think you could do better, or I may think that I'm losing you.

But that is not an excuse to yell at you for getting engaged.

That's not an excuse for telling you off.

That's not an excuse accuse you of ruining your mother's mental health.

That's not an excuse to make someone cry so hard that they've fallen to the cement in the middle of February when its -6 degrees out, barely able to breath because they feel so betrayed by the things you are saying.

That's not an excuse to complain that your are spending too much time with your fiancé 2 weeks before your wedding.

That's not an excuse to tell me the night before my wedding that I can still back out.

Telling you that you can spend the rest of your life with him, why are you ignoring me- is not okay

None of it was okay.

It will never be okay.

But that's what happened.

Do you even realize the effect it had on me?

Do you even realize that 5 years later, I still cry when I think about it?

It's not fair.

I have gone over it thousands of time in my head. Wondering what I could have done to make it better.

Until I realized that had been the problem all along.

Up until that moment, I had done everything to make sure I was perfect in your eyes. Maybe not perfect. But that I was doing exactly what you wanted or needed me to be.

And for the first time ever, I did something for me.

And no one was happy about it. At least no one that really mattered to me.

Maybe that's a lie. Because there were a few that were happy for me.

But the stains.

The stains make it so hard to see the good of the situation.

Did you read that last sentence? Did you notice that I just referred to the day I got engaged and my wedding as a situation....

Without even thinking about it?

Do you even know?

Do you get it?

It's not fair. Not to me. And not to my husband.

They were his days too.

But do you want to hear the worst part? The part that makes me angry?

When I am having a hard time. When things get rough, I am supposed to be able to look back on my wedding day. Look back and remember why I married this man in the first place.

Do you know what I wonder when I look back?

Did I get married because I was in love, or did I because so many people were telling me this wasn't what I should do, so I did it to spite them?

Because I didn't get married to spite anyone.

And if you had been able to look past your own selfish, inconsiderate lives and seen how happy I was, we wouldn't be in this situation.

But instead I will always have that tiny seed of doubt.

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU AND YOUR OPINIONS MEANT TO ME. AND YOU LET ME DOWN. AND YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I STILL HURT OVER IT.

Because nothing has ever been the same since my wedding.

I lost so much after I got married. 

I lost my 2 best friends.

I lost my big sister.

I lost my mom for a while.

I lost my friends.

I lost myself without them.

Just all of it isn't fair.

And I don't know how to let it go.

And I don't know how to erase the stains.

And I don't know how to get my best friends back.

Because the worst best friends to lose are when they're family. Because they don't get left in the past. They show up all the time. And they still blame you for the falling out.

Because I wasn't there for them, during my wedding.

Hold on while I get the mascara out of my eyes from crying.

I'm not trying to hold a grudge.

I'm trying to let go of the hurt.

The best I've been able to think is that I'll have to accept the apology that I may never get.

And I'm trying.

But know this.

If I wasn't already there for your wedding. You had better believe that I will be at the front line making that day the very best day of your entire life.

Because not even the people who left stains on my day deserve to feel like this.

As a P.S.
I think I should add that I have apologized to some of of the people I hurt. And some of them have apologized to me. But I don't know if we really understand why the other was so hurt. And on top of that, how do you go back to being close?

Post Guard: 7 Years Later

I started my Colorguard career in the seventh grade. Good old Wells Middle School Marching Band. That is when I started my guardie life.

Because you never really stop being a guardie.

Because you will always walk in step to the background music at the mall.

Because you will always do a mental run through when a past show song comes on.

Because you always think of gym floors and electrical tape first- gun second- when someone says rifle.

Because you never really get over lugging the hugest heaviest painted tarp that your best friends have had their dirty feet, sweat, and blood all over- over your shoulder.

Because the first time you see a winterguard show, it changes you.

Who can watch Logan and not feel something change inside of you?

Or Inmotion.

Or Santa Clara Vanguard.

Or Pride of Cincinnati.

Or which ever amazing flawless show you saw first.

Beacuse something from that show changes you.

It's the part of you that realizes that you are apart of something bigger than yourself. It's the part of you that realizes that you can work hard and accomplish the impossible.

It's the determination inside of you awakening.

And that's why once you've spent a year in the winterguard world, even just the smallest sliver of yourself stays there. And unless you've experienced it, you can never really understand it.

Because your teammates are closer than family. They are apart of you. Even if it's just for a flag feature, all of you are doing the same exact thing. Every second of every count- your movement, your flag, you breath, your emotions, your exhation level. All of it is the same. And that's not something you share with just anyone you know. It's something you've shared and created over what seems like a lifetime...(was it really only 6 months for one show?... if that?)

I miss it. I've been married almost 5 years. I have two kids. And I miss it. All of it. Every life consuming practice. Every push up in rifle block. Every across-the-floor. Every bruise. Every tear. Every moment of drama with that one teammate.

I just miss it.

And that's why I've been looking into being an instructor at my old middle school.

But unfortunately (not really, we need to move) we are now trying to get a job out of state. Normal people can't afford to live here.

But what would I give to stop time. Stop time and go back to the DHS cafeteria and spend three hours listening to the same 30 seconds of Listen to your Heart over and over again until we perfected every second of every 8 count.

It wouldn't be the same. It could never be the same. We've all changed so much. We are college graduates. We are married. We have children. We have careers. We don't have nearly as much teen angst. We've moved on. We are different people. We haven't talked in years.

But am I crazy for believing that some how we are still connected?

That in a strange way when something fantastic or awful happens to any one of you, I feel like I'm just as excited or devastated for you as if we were still best friends.

I feel like, at least on some level, I know how you must be reacting, what you must be thinking.

Because I used to know you that well.

And maybe I don't anymore.

But I hope you still feel a connection to me.

Because we all used to be connected at the brain.

Or heart.

Or hip.

Or bruise.

Because we were more than just good friends. We were guardies.

And we will probably never perform all together again. We may never be in the same room again either. Life has taken us all over. And I miss dancing, and spinning and living in the band room with you.

But because of Winterguard, I have some of the best memories.

And at least for me, that's enough.

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But I'm not going to lie, some mornings, when I have especially hard things to do, I wish I had my own announcer to say,

Is the guard ready?

You may take the floor in competition.

Four years later

So it's 2016.

I created this in 2012.

A lot has changed.

So much has changed.

In 2012 we moved to St. Anthony.

In 2013 I graduated from college.

In 2014 we moved back to Rexburg.

In 2014 we had our daughter on February 8th.

In 2014 we moved in with family in California.

In 2015 we had our son on September 11th.

In 2015 my husband got a "real grown up I went school for that" job.

Other things that have happened since 2012-

We have had 2 dogs that we had to give away.

My parents split up.

We remodeled 2 bathrooms and redid all the floors in my mom's house.

My dad moved to Washington... we don't really talk anymore.

We are living in a remodeled garage.

I haven't seen half of my stuff in two years.

I share a room with my husband, my 2 year old daughter, and my 6 month old son.

I haven't had my own kitchen in 2 years.

My children have had colds every two weeks since last October.

Besides our student loans, we recently paid off all our other debts.

I haven't had a best friend (with someone besides the people I share a room with) since 2011.

I have like 400 Sq ft that is hard to keep clean, mainly because between the 4 of us, we have accumulated so much stuff.

Sometimes I think I need a job.

Sometimes I'm so glad I don't have a job.

Sometimes I'm ready to go into thousands of dollars of debt so we can have our own home.

Most times I am so thankful we are getting close to being completely out of debt.

Sometimes I want to scream I am so tired.

Sometimes I stay up later than my kids and husband just to be me.

Sometimes I feel like a baby sitter to my own children because there are so many people that are around that like to parent my children.

I'm not complaining.

This is just my life.

It's hard.

Some days I feel like I can't make it another day like this.

And then the next day I do.

Because there are really great parts too.

I love being a mom.

I really enjoy my calling at church.

I am so grateful for family taking us in while we didn't have a job.

I am so grateful for family helping us while our job can't afford to pay for an apartment in the SF Bay Area.

I am so grateful for my hilariously smart little girl.

I am so grateful for my ever giggly baby boy.

I am so grateful for the hard work my husband does.

We have been in a better position the last 4 months than we have since we got married.

I enjoy living so close to family so my children get to know our parents.

Being back in our home towns has been comforting during this hard time.

We have had so many miracles in our life.

I've started reading my scriptures more regularly.

I feel a lot closer to my Heavenly Father.

I think we've done a lot to help others while we've been here.

I think we've grown into stronger people.

It's hard.

But we are so blessed.

So much has changed.

We are not the same people anymore.

But that's a good thing.

Change is good.

I just hope more changes are coming...

Soon.