Stains.

You know what? I don't think anybody reads this. Unless I post it on facebook, then I get a hand full of people. But other than that. Nada.

It's cool. I know I don't update very often. But today I am not complaining about my low read count. I'm am actually glad for it. Because if thousands of people read this, then maybe I'd feel guilty for what I'm going to write.

But since no one reads this. I don't care.

There are very few moments people get in a lifetime...

The day you were born

High school graduation

College graduation

The day you get engaged

Your wedding day

All in all not that many days that are totally and completely yours. The whole day should center on you. Focused.

Sure there are more, or possibly less, depending on your life path that you choose. But at least for me these are the days that are supposed to be selfishly taken for your own.

That it's okay to have the spotlight transfixed on you. That you are for a chance moment the center of the universe.

Because you have accomplished something. You have found something worth celebrating. And you are worth the recognition.

So what do you do when these days. These moments are taken from you?

What do you do when someone ruins the days that were supposed to become your fondest memories?

Why are there people selfish enough in our circles of friends and family that take it upon themselves to leave us with unwanted remorse on our wholly earned special days?

How is it okay that they rip apart these moments and not even realize what effect that will have on you not just in that moment, but for the rest of your life?

But most of all, how do you reconcile your feelings of never getting that day back?

How, how can you ever make peace with the fact that the people who were supposed to be the happiest for you permently stamped their muck, totally and completely staining the days that were meant to be yours?

And don't go around throwing cute memes at me that encourage cutting out negative things and people out of my life. Because cutting out negative ideas, thoughts, and people doesn't solve anything.

It's called running from you problems.

Let's all take a moment to realize how negative Eeor is. Did Pooh bear leave him for dead? Did Christopher Robin covertly ask him to change his address from the 100 acer woods? NO! Because negativity is a part of life. Not a single person in this world is 100% positive. We all have doubts and bad attidues. It's finding the balance that works that will ultimately give us happiness.

So. Here I am. Asking, how to be okay with being hurt that people are selfish on your selfish days?

Because that's what happened to me.

I will never get to relive the day I got engaged.

I will never get to relive my wedding day (and the days that led up to it).

They were my days.

And they are stained.

With hurt.

Tears.

Confusion.

Disgust.

Anger.

Lonliness.

And worst of all realization.

Realization that the 4 most important and influential women in my life did not hold me in the same regard.

Because never in a thousand billion years would I have ever been so selfish as to take away your day as you took away mine.

I have never felt so hurt in all my life.

And I have been through so pretty crappy stuff.

I may not like the guy you chose, or I may think that you're not ready, or I may think you could do better, or I may think that I'm losing you.

But that is not an excuse to yell at you for getting engaged.

That's not an excuse for telling you off.

That's not an excuse accuse you of ruining your mother's mental health.

That's not an excuse to make someone cry so hard that they've fallen to the cement in the middle of February when its -6 degrees out, barely able to breath because they feel so betrayed by the things you are saying.

That's not an excuse to complain that your are spending too much time with your fiancé 2 weeks before your wedding.

That's not an excuse to tell me the night before my wedding that I can still back out.

Telling you that you can spend the rest of your life with him, why are you ignoring me- is not okay

None of it was okay.

It will never be okay.

But that's what happened.

Do you even realize the effect it had on me?

Do you even realize that 5 years later, I still cry when I think about it?

It's not fair.

I have gone over it thousands of time in my head. Wondering what I could have done to make it better.

Until I realized that had been the problem all along.

Up until that moment, I had done everything to make sure I was perfect in your eyes. Maybe not perfect. But that I was doing exactly what you wanted or needed me to be.

And for the first time ever, I did something for me.

And no one was happy about it. At least no one that really mattered to me.

Maybe that's a lie. Because there were a few that were happy for me.

But the stains.

The stains make it so hard to see the good of the situation.

Did you read that last sentence? Did you notice that I just referred to the day I got engaged and my wedding as a situation....

Without even thinking about it?

Do you even know?

Do you get it?

It's not fair. Not to me. And not to my husband.

They were his days too.

But do you want to hear the worst part? The part that makes me angry?

When I am having a hard time. When things get rough, I am supposed to be able to look back on my wedding day. Look back and remember why I married this man in the first place.

Do you know what I wonder when I look back?

Did I get married because I was in love, or did I because so many people were telling me this wasn't what I should do, so I did it to spite them?

Because I didn't get married to spite anyone.

And if you had been able to look past your own selfish, inconsiderate lives and seen how happy I was, we wouldn't be in this situation.

But instead I will always have that tiny seed of doubt.

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU AND YOUR OPINIONS MEANT TO ME. AND YOU LET ME DOWN. AND YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I STILL HURT OVER IT.

Because nothing has ever been the same since my wedding.

I lost so much after I got married. 

I lost my 2 best friends.

I lost my big sister.

I lost my mom for a while.

I lost my friends.

I lost myself without them.

Just all of it isn't fair.

And I don't know how to let it go.

And I don't know how to erase the stains.

And I don't know how to get my best friends back.

Because the worst best friends to lose are when they're family. Because they don't get left in the past. They show up all the time. And they still blame you for the falling out.

Because I wasn't there for them, during my wedding.

Hold on while I get the mascara out of my eyes from crying.

I'm not trying to hold a grudge.

I'm trying to let go of the hurt.

The best I've been able to think is that I'll have to accept the apology that I may never get.

And I'm trying.

But know this.

If I wasn't already there for your wedding. You had better believe that I will be at the front line making that day the very best day of your entire life.

Because not even the people who left stains on my day deserve to feel like this.

As a P.S.
I think I should add that I have apologized to some of of the people I hurt. And some of them have apologized to me. But I don't know if we really understand why the other was so hurt. And on top of that, how do you go back to being close?